Apartment
One of an extensive row of smallish brick boxes, usually assembled in extensive rows, three to four boxes tall. Place of residence for the vast majority of urban Belgians.
Ardennes
Gentle rolling undulations in the south of Belgium that are locally revered as an untamed wilderness. In reality they consist of extensive plantation pine forest, trickling rivulets and fields of cows. Nonetheless they do make a pleasant day out. Don't forget your raincoat.
Asparagus
Treasured and worshiped annually for about a month. The sadly short asparagus season is an annual opportunity to spend a vast fortune on green and white bits of wood dripping in garlic and butter.
August
A month of dangerously pleasant weather when Belgium does its utmost to discourage tourists from coming and spoiling life there by generally completely shutting down for three weeks or so.
Bakery
Warm and cosy building in which a variety of forms of happiness can be obtained in exchange for one or two coins. No matter where you stand in Belgium, you are within 100 metres of a bakery. Transformed on Sunday mornings into claustrophobic spaces full of robust women purchasing enormous paper boxes of sticky tarts.
Beer
A heavenly liquid which Belgians have perfected thanks to centuries of intense contemplation by silent orders of monks. Beer is the very essence of the land, the blood of the nation, heaven served in a variety of peculiarly shaped drinking receptacles.
Belgacom
The most expensive telephone network operator on the planet.
Bicycle
Two wheeled transportation device seen all over Belgium. Particularly common at railway stations and in canals. Generally of a very primitive and questionably road-worthy form, but lack of major undulations extends the utility of the poorer quality examples. Advantages of use are convenience, health and the power to ignore all traffic rules and irritate drivers of motorized vehicles. Disadvantages include high theft danger.
Bicycle Path
A narrow marked lane at the edge of a road or dedicated pathway, likely to vanish suddenly and unexpectedly at any given moment. Often terrorised by speeding moped riders.
Brick
The basic atomic unit of Belgium. Belgium is in essence a pile of bricks. Mainly comes in a muddy brown colour, but occasional yellow, red and tan variations can be almost pleasing to the eye.
Brown
The second national colour of Belgium. Popular colour of clothing, shoes and hair.
Bruges
A small town in the west of Flanders, entirely occupied by English tourists and lace shops.
Brussels
A particularly large pile of bricks and concrete located roughly in the middle of Belgium. Full of foreigners.
Bureaucracy
A Belgian art form. The process of making an apparently simple task rather less straightforward than it first appeared by positioning carefully drafted bits of paper between the subject and their desired object. Can often be circumvented by discovering an appropriate shortcut (citing the name of an appropriately eminent Belgian, ignoring the rules, obstinacy, etc.)
Cafe'
The centre point of Belgian social life. A place to hang out, sup a beer, savour a coffee, nibble a portie and watch Belgians in their natural habitat. Cafes spill out onto the streets in the summer months and the pleasant summer murmur of a Belgian cafe district in July is a true sensation. Cafes never seem to close and come in a vast array of shapes, sizes, decor and atmosphere. Belgium is the cafe, the cafe is Belgium.
Checkout Chick
Impassive woman employed to stare into space and pass time in peaceful meditation while Belgians pack their shopping and fumble for their debit cards. Occasionally bursts into life to embark on 15 minute trips to weigh cloves of garlic. Job requirements include dangerously low blood pressure and an ability to fall asleep at will.
Cheese
Despite having the general texture and colour of soap, Belgian cheeses are pleasant if not heart-stoppingly exciting. Mild in flavour and often bearing the faces of fat friars on the wrapping paper. Nothing excites a Belgian shopper more than a good selection of cheese, and a typical shopper never buys less than six different types of cheese at any one go.
Chocolate
Chocolate making reaches its greatest heights of quality and creativity in Belgium. Sold in a vast array of shapes and quantities throughout the country. The gastronomic ecstasy is sometimes negated by ghastly creamy fondant centres, but nonetheless it is an essential purchase before any overseas trip, as boxes of Belgian chocolates generally leave a trail of happiness, grateful relatives and sticky faces in their wake.
Church
A common grey building throughout all Belgian cities, towns and villages. Often either empty or in an advanced state of disrepair. May contain impressive collections of gold and silver artifacts, horrific wooden pulpits, and overly eager visitor assistants. There really are an amazing number of churches in Belgium. Perhaps almost as many churches as bakeries. No - that can't be possible.
City Hall
An often incredibly ornate building located in the central square of a Belgian town. Externally breathtaking and majestic. Internally a place where regular state-sponsored bureaucratic torture of foreigners is conducted.
Coast
A strip of sand at the western edge of Belgium that the entire country flocks to when the sun comes out.
Coffee
Generally sold in a form pleasingly between long black and Italian espresso, a coffee in a Belgian cafe always comes accompanied by a treat. This can be at its best a miniature waffle or chocolate, and at its least a tasteless wafer biscuit. Beware of disgusting variations on the general coffee theme.
Countryside
"The countryside" is a place that all Belgians dream of taming by beating it into submission using bulldozers and earth-moving equipment in order to dump upon it piles of bricks and concrete that form unusual architectural constructions of their own personal and novel design. As a result of this passionate pursuit there is not a great deal of "the countryside" left, at least not in the northern flat bit.
Crime
Actually Belgium is a pretty safe country where most of the crime takes place at enormously high levels and involves horrifyingly large scale corruption and swindling, all of which leaves the citizens on the street less well-off but otherwise fairly unharmed. Strangely however the following is not a crime: the process of taking into one's possession a bicycle that is actually owned by a known or unknown person other than oneself.
Customers
People who lack the patience and understanding to appreciate how hard it is to run a business in Belgium. By treating them with the disrespect that they deserve you will force them to appreciate the personal sacrifices that those in Belgian service industries are making for them. Adopt the maxim "the customer is always wrong" and your business will flourish.
Delhaize
A supermarket invented by the devil to torture his subjects. Offers every shopping frustration imaginable, from lack of baskets to severe aisle congestion. Home to the most spectacularly slow checkout queues in the universe. Horrid horrid place.
Dutch
A strange language spoken in Flanders and consisting largely of the consonants v,s,c,h,r and k. Dutch is surprisingly easy to learn. Simply fill your mouth with crisps and then speak English and German simultaneously without breathing.
Duvel
A legendary trap for foreigners. A seemingly harmless golden liquid that looks refreshing and spiritually uplifting. In reality a brew of the devil, designed to reach into the soul and extract foolishness, talkativeness, speech disorders and nausea.
European Union
A cunning Belgian invention to force foreigners to stop periodically invading them and disrupting the witloof harvest.
Flemish
A language which apparently does not exist, much to the surprise of foreigners.
Food
A Belgian obsession. The national passion for food is well justified by the plentiful supply of good restaurants and tantalising menus. Classified as "French style in Dutch portions", which is just as well because "Dutch style in French portions" would be a diet of severe ordinariness and sparsity. Perhaps nothing brings Belgians out onto the streets more than the prospect of summer dining, regional specialty tasting, fresh produce purchasing. Food is the one thing that appears to make Belgians very happy.
Foreigner
A person who is not from Belgium. Foreigners are very welcome to visit Belgium so long as they don't make too much noise and remember to leave and take their mess away with them afterwards. Also occasionally used for someone from the "other half" of Belgium.
Frites
An over-rated hot fatty product, sold from pre-fabricated vans in car parks and railway station forecourts throughout Belgium. Consumed daily in enormous quantities and smothered in sticky sauces that come in a variety of colours and toxicity. Definitely worth experiencing however, especially from establishments that use fresh frites-pressing machines to shred fresh potatoes rather than tip massive packets of frozen frites straight into the deep-frier. Widely, but wrongly, regarded by Belgians as the greatest national product.
Genk
A town in Belgium that you might end up in if you don't get off the train in time.
Gent
Surely the coolest town in Flanders and home to a wonderful Museum of Torture. The old town has aspects of Bruges without the excessive tourism tint and even has a statue of a man on a horse pointing nervously towards England in a constant reminder to the citizens of the dangers of opening too many lace shops.
Germany
A large country to the east of Belgium, and best left there.
Grey
The national colour of Belgium. The bits of Belgium that are not brown, are grey. That includes of course the sky.
Hasselt
An alleged industrial town in the east of Flanders that is said to be the home of Belgian hard spirits but that no one I have met has ever been to.
Holiday
For most Belgians this means two weeks in the Ardennes. For foreigners, a holiday is a day (usually at the start of the week) when suddenly everything is closed and none of your colleagues turn up and join you at work.
July
The wettest month of the year in Belgium - a fact only really appreciated by anyone who has tried to block book a fixed hour on an outdoor tennis court for the whole summer season.
Kermis
The collective noun for a group of Belgians. A kermis of Belgians consists of a tightly packed collection of dirty caravans, giant trucks, noisy generators, wailing machines, flashing lights, strange burning smells, screaming adolescents and vast drifting crowds. The ultimate Belgian entertainment experience.
King
The spiritual leader of Belgium. Just an ordinary guy, who rides a bike to work and just so happens to be on almost all the Belgian stamps.
Kot
A particularly small residential box containing at least one student.
Language classes
A large and well attended dating agency. All sexually mature unmarried Belgians participate in at least one language class.
Laws
Extensive collections of words that form an impressive assembly of rules and regulations designed to impose restrictions and conformity on the lives of Belgians. Universally ignored and treated with considerable contempt. On the very rare occasion that a mandate is abided to in Belgium, Belgians like to amuse themselves by trying to also get it instated in all the other member countries of the European Union.
Leeks
A prolific Belgian winter ground cover, miniature forests of which can be seen in allotments and backyards. Comes in two forms, fat and skinny. Belgian fanaticism over leeks makes the Welsh look like rank amateurs.
Leopold
A common name for Kings of the Belgians, one of whom was a dangerously mad old dog who looked like Santa Claus and amused himself by personally buying up bits of Africa, turning them into sweat shops and then selling them back to the Belgian state for a profit. Like most decent tyrants his punishment for these deeds was a legacy of statues, and streets, parks and cafes named in his honour.
Leuven
A small university town to the east of Brussels, peppered with bizarre statues (including one of Leopold of course), whose town hall is an amazing full scale replica of the ornate original on display at Legoland in Windsor.
Liege
A style of waffle. Also a particularly grey Wallonian city with some of the most impressive blocks of flats in Belgium. Almost unavoidable on any train journey east of Brussels.
Lunchtime
An ill-defined time of day that generally spans a considerable part of the 12.00-14.30 slot when useful outlets such as banks, sandwich stores, post offices and bakeries are quite likely to be completely closed.
Mayonnaise
A glutinous egg-based sauce that any place associated with the creation of Belgian cuisine will have industrial tubs of. Most adored on frites (and made famous by a quip in Pulp Fiction) with which I can vouch that any initial abhorrence breaks down with time and turns into addiction. Comes in a variety of unusual flavours and colours for smothering sandwiches and salads.
Midi
A large railway station in the south of Brussels that lots of English speaking foreigners disembark at under the mistaken impression that it means "middle".
Monday
A day when Belgium is closed.
Motorway
A large three-laned road connecting major Belgian towns that is spectacularly illuminated throughout the night. Reasons for this are not entirely clear, but viable suggestions include the need to burn up excessively produced nuclear power or to provide runway facilities for alien spacecraft. Also a place where many Belgians have spent several days of their lives in attempts to get to Zaventem.
Mussels
Common shellfish piled high in dark pots of spicy soup. Widely available and regarded overseas as a very Belgian thing. Apparently best in months that have a "r" in them.. or is it an "j".. or is it a "p".. I can never remember.
Netherlands
A small unimportant country to the north of Belgium whose people talk loudly and incessantly, refuse to spend their money, and eat copious volumes of cheese.
Nature Reserve
A small area of mud about half the size of a tennis court containing at least one poplar tree and a sign forbidding entry.
November
The eleventh month, characterised in Belgium by thirty days devoid of any sunshine and dryness. A miserable month and absolutely to be avoided if at all possible.
Open Day
A peculiar annual occasion for most institutions when they invite the public to come and have a look around their premises. Presumably the provision of free beer, coffee and peanuts can make taking the kids to visit telephone shops, insurance companies, civil engineering departments, electrical substations and bus cleaning depots all that more interesting as a weekend trip concept.
Pancake
The Belgian divide is never more apparent than in the attitude to these delicious eggy flat breads available in all the best Belgian cafes. In the lumpy south of Belgium they are served with the likes of smoked salmon, dill and cheese, while in the flat north they are only served with ice-cream and warm chocolate sauce. You can't lose.
Pintje
The worst but cheapest beer available in a cafe. Drunk by students.
Pneumatic drill
Precisely what not to buy an average Belgian for their Christmas. Otherwise they will rush out and join hundreds of their countrymen in the national campaign to prevent Belgium becoming covered in a layer of concrete. Every day these loyal national servants furiously savage vast stretches of pavements and roadway in an endless battle against national concretisation.
Police
An army of people who ride bicycles, wear bright blue uniforms with sharp peaked caps, and whose main job appears to be to determine exactly who lives in every house in Belgium.
Post Office
A building that is almost always closed. On the off chance that it is actually open, post office customers can expect the usual queueing problems and a severely incremental and erratic pricing system for overseas mail. This seems to be based on the mysterious Belgian "standard" envelope, an object carefully designed to ensure that any card purchased in a Belgian card shop will automatically fail to qualify as regular mail.
Queue
An autonomous collective of Belgians gathered together for the purpose of standing silently and impassively for hours on end, impervious to any social atrocities that may be being conducted at its head.
Rabbit
Common farm animal and sandwich filling. Small herds of overfed bunnies, barely able to lift their torsoes off the ground, can often be seen in pens on Belgian farms. Available in most Belgian restaurants. If ordered, comes in the form of a neatly dissected anatomy lesson, with bodily organs and joints aesthetically arranged around the plate and smothered in a rich dark alcoholic or fruity glutinous sauce.
Railway Station
A dark brick building that is a central feature of most Belgian towns. Characterised by the usual bizarre Belgian queueing rituals, often frustratingly slow ticketing service (there's always someone buying a couchette return to Copenhagen in front of me) and out-of-service automatic ticket machines. A venue for nauseatingly synthesised piped music that almost always seems to have the same basic tune of "doodle dee-oop poom-poop" etc. Railways stations are also vast bicycle dumps and places where you can swap your old rusting bike for one that has been neatly stacked behind platform one for seven years and whose owner has been searching for it in Mechelen for at least six of them. The only redeeming feature of railways stations is that they are the only place in Belgium where you can buy giant Twix bars.
Rain
A tangible dampness that falls on Belgium exclusively during the twelve month long wet season. Belgians actually seem to think that it rains every day, which is not in fact true. Except in November. And July.
Receptions
A pleasingly regular event at Belgian workplaces. Receptions are sudden opportunities to down tools and get completely pissed in the middle of the working day, at the relatively minor cost of listening to lengthy speeches. The generous supply of beer and wine is often accompanied by gigantic bowls of nuts and plates of tiny biscuits with bits of fish on them. Receptions are held for almost every possible contrived occasion such as the first week back after the holidays, the last week before the holidays, the wedding of the head of the department's son, the replacement of a computer system or the installation of a new bicycle rack. Bravo! Long live receptions!
Ring
A very busy and often quite dangerous road that circles a Belgian city, often following the route of an ancient city wall. The Brussels Ring does not follow a city wall, but does represent a virtual wall beyond which most Eurocrats never venture except when going to Zaventem.
Sandwich
A snack that the Belgians excel at producing. Usually freshly prepared in a crisp baguette, packed with filling, excessive dollops of mayonnaise and wrapped in a paper napkin. Often two hands are needed to grapple with its enormity. Belgians have turned sandwich making into an art form, developing an amazing number of common novelty fillings of astounding eccentricity such as chicken curry, spicy tuna and crab salad. No plastic boxes of crustless white British Rail egg triangles here.
Scouts
Belgians of almost any age. Observed at weekends in immense swarms at railway stations and town centres, normally wearing shorts regardless of the prevalent weather conditions. Scouts do not appear to actually do anything, but they are always in a large group, going somewhere and making lots of noise.
Smakelijk
A word that Belgians from the flat bit address to their food before eating. Pronouncing the word in the correct way automatically excites the taste buds and enhances the meal.
Spaghetti Bolognaise
Surprisingly seems to be Belgium's national dish. Universally available from almost every eating venue in the country. Almost always good value in terms of quality and quantity, especially when topped with mountains of freshly grated cheese.
Spacial awareness
The psychological cognitive process of being aware of your exact position on the Earth and that of all other human beings in your immediate vicinity. Belgians have none.
Speculoos
A simple but elegant Belgian biscuit, flavoured lightly with spices and widely available in industrial sized packets. Comes in enormous sizes around Christmas time, usually in the shape of a vast wise man. Even available as an ice-cream flavour.
Sprout
A disgusting small green vegetable that is not as common in Belgium as you might think despite its association with the Belgian capital. Best drenched in black pepper until the taste is unrecognisable.
Stella
A designer lager to most of the planet, but tap water in Belgium. Made in Leuven and exported in tankers.
Student
A youthful cyclist who spends a maximum of four nights a week living in a small cupboard, dining from plastic boxes labelled with the days of the week in their mother's handwriting, spends Thursday night whooping it up and drinking lots of pintjes, and Friday catching the train home armed with a series of empty tupperware boxes and a huge duffel bag of dirty laundry. Repeat from Monday.
Sunday
A day spent queueing in bakeries, wandering street markets, visiting family, and eating sticky tarts that your relatives have brought around.
Tax evasion
The Belgian national sport. Played annually and gleefully, at its most extreme involving regular mysterious trips to Luxembourg.
Trappist
A useful word that guarantees a certain amount of quality and a touch of genuine ethnicity if placed before a noun. Hence the nostril flaring smell of Trappist cheese, the salivating taste of Trappist ale, and the pious dedicated sound of Trappist monk.
Umbrella
A last protection barrier against the Belgian weather. Particularly Belgian is the regular sight of cyclists using an umbrella. Not surprisingly umbrellas become dangerous weapons in the hands of Belgians.
Wablief
A useful phrase that is guaranteed to fool Dutch speakers about your language skills. Repeat ad nauseum until the conversation clearly ends or the other speaker walks away in frustration. This trick will probably also work when talking to a French speaker.
Waffle
The most pleasant way of putting on instant fat known to man. Take care not to see a waffle prior to its emergence from the smoke machine, as it's good not to know exactly how much viscous plastic looking custard you are about to enter into your digestive system. Sugar, fat, yummmm..
Waterzooi
Clasical Belgian cuisine. Fish or chicken, generous quantities of lemon juice and cream, bits of vegetables and then stew away on the stove for twenty minutes. You'll be amazed.
Weather
Unpredictable grey dampness that periodically smothers the entire country.
Witloof
A curious bitter vegetable that is positively venerated by Belgians. Surprisingly good in soup, but best drenched in cheese and baked thoroughly. Adoration of this vegetable reaches its peak during the winter season, when crowds can be season inspecting and sniffing candidate purchases at market places. Referred to as "chicory" in other countries and usually fed to pigs.
Zaventem
The much loved national airport. Built on a carefully selected area of farmland that guarantees a regular presence of fog blankets. Home to one of the most impressive corridors of moving walkways in the world, the lengths of which are decorated by a series of astonishingly surreal photographs featuring speech bubbles exclaiming "Belgium, the heart of Europe". Although I adore the one of the seagulls uttering that claim, my personal favourite is of a crowd scene where a highly nondescript man in glasses has been attributed the speech bubble "Belgium, a federal country". It's lovely. Zaventem also has the slowest and most hopeless baggage handling service in the world, so don't bank on any tight connections and pack some spare jocks in your hand luggage. Most Belgians like to exchange their favourite stories about how many days they have spent navigating the runways of Zaventem in airport buses, waiting in the main hall for their luggage or trying to travel spectacularly short distances from their homes to Zaventem.
